Save Time and Improve Your Life by Learning How to Say No

Often find yourself in situations you don’t really want to be in? Then it’s time to learn how to say no! Our tips will help you stand up for yourself while staying empathetic and open.

Why Is It So Hard to Say No?

Saying no isn’t always that easy: there’s many examples of feelings and convictions that make setting boundaries difficult, like a guilty conscience, fear of rejection, lack of self-confidence, and wanting to prove your resilience.

These are the 7 most common reasons that make saying no difficult:

#1 Feeling blindsided by the situation

Some people are good at putting you in situations where you feel like you have no choice but to say yes. Especially in high-pressure situations where you feel like you have to answer right away because otherwise… otherwise what, actually?

There are few situations that don’t allow for at least 5 minutes to think things over. Saying yes under pressure is mostly nothing more than kicking the can down the road, and you’ll be angry at yourself later.

#2 Wanting to please everyone

People pleasing and wanting to be liked often makes you feel bad when you answer with a no. After all, if you do what another person wants, they’ll definitely like you, right? But real relationships aren’t built on deeds alone, instead they’re about genuine connections where you both understand each other as people with unique personalities, emotions, and needs.

That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do favors for anyone ever. But those who value you as a person or friend won’t reject you for setting boundaries that support your mental and physical health.

#3 Feeling guilty

Have a hard time saying no because you feel guilty and like you owe the other person something? Sure, good relationships are reciprocal, and sometimes you have to help out when it’s not super convenient for you. But not when there’s another solution that’s better.

Then there’s that feeling of leaving someone hanging or being to blame for a friend’s predicament. This often makes the question “Yes or No?” really difficult to answer. In any case, careful consideration is better than just making a blanket commitment or rejecting someone right away.

#4 Used to overcommitting

Common cultural doctrines like “If you want to get anywhere in life, you have to work hard,” “Work first, then play,” “Beauty is pain” and similar expressions are as effective as they are treacherous. Each of these sayings implies that something cannot be fun if it’s going to lead to the right outcome. The particular nature of these beliefs varies from person to person, but there’s some common themes.

These ideas often make saying no difficult because it makes you feel lazy or worthless unless you make a sacrifice. Sure, some goals require discipline and work. But you can definitely discard the idea that the journey cannot be fun along the way.

#5 Like to keep the peace

Sure, we all like living in peace and harmony. But conflicts aren’t always a bad thing because they also challenge you and encourage reflection and growth. Avoiding external conflicts to the detriment of your own inner harmony and stress level is only progress on a superficial level.

And again, friends and good colleagues will still accept you even when you say no once in a while when you’re busy. They may be upset for a moment, but communication can fix everything if both parties take a brief moment to reflect and are willing to reconcile.

#6 Seeking validation

Being asked to do someone a favor or complete an important task is also a vote of confidence and praise. It means that people trust and appreciate you. Sometimes saying yes is also a way to give that affirmation and trust back. The fear of saying no in this case is based on worrying about violating that trust and losing that relationship.

#7 Avoiding selfishness

How many times have you said yes to something to avoid being considered rude, selfish and negative? Too many times? You might be confusing the ability to set boundaries with selfishness.

There is a world of difference between “I don’t care about others” and “I take care of myself and balance what I can and want to expect of myself.” Saying no has little to do with selfishness if saying yes is going to do more harm than good in the long run.

#8 Fear of consequences

The fear of saying no overlaps with being worried about negative consequences that may come up if you don’t say yes. Professional, personal, or even in sports – if you decline a project, you may experience rejection in return.

Saying yes out of fear of rejection isn’t a yes that comes from the heart because you’re just surrendering to fear and insecurities. Learning to say no also means practicing self-confidence.

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# 9 FOMO

Missing out on professional opportunities because you weren’t at the after-work drinks? Or worried about being lost in conversation at the next brunch because you missed the last group workouts?

Fear Of Missing Out makes it hard to say no but saying yes because of FOMO is basically the same as saying no out of fear of consequences. You don’t have to be available 24/7 to be included. FOMO can lead to increased stress levels and exhaustion, according to one study¹. Saying no and choosing not to feel bad about what you may have missed is an important step on the path to greater inner peace.

How Saying No Improves Your Life

Your boss wants to have the numbers by the end of the day, you wanted to help your friend with her move, talk to your mother on the phone, and promised your partner you’d do the shopping.

Saying yes, even when it’s obvious that it’s too much, can be a real stressor. If you say no more often, your quality of life can improve dramatically.

# Saying no boosts your self confidence

Saying no can build up your self-esteem and confidence. Instead of just acting on impulse, saying no to something means that you have to check in with your own needs first: Do I really want to say yes? Or do I need something else right now? Now all you have to do is communicate the answer from your inner voice. And the only way to do that is to stand up for yourself!

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# Your relationships improve

If you say no more often, you’ll quickly learn that you don’t need to feel sorry about it. If you’re in harmony with yourself, you radiate a completely different peace of mind than if you’re constantly busy and stressed out.

On top of that you’ll do the things you’ve consciously said yes to because you’re convinced that they are good or needed, which gives you and everyone involved a much better feeling about the whole thing. You’ll also be in a better mood and more fun to work with.

Last but not least: You’ll get rid of any energy vampires who only spend time with you because you’re always busy doing favors for them. Your real friends and good colleagues will appreciate it when you give them honest answers and wish you the best with what you want to do. Regardless of whether or not you’re at their beck and call.

# You’ll have more time

Saying no more often helps you save up your most important resource: time. Spend less time doing things you don’t want to do and have more for everything that’s important to you.

How to Stay Polite When the Answer is No

Now that you know why it’s worthwhile to decline a request sometimes, it’s time to start putting it into practice. Avoid being perceived as rude by learning how to say no politely. These are the five most important skills and phrases.

By the way, they are also the perfect exercises for more self-confidence.

#1 Say thank you

If someone approaches you with a request you need to refuse, thank them for their trust in you, maybe for the fact that they thought of you as well, and say – if it’s true – that you are interested in principle, but unfortunately have to answer no this time because of your schedule. Stay true to yourself in your words and don’t blame other people or other external circumstances.

#2 Show empathy

In both friendships and productive professional relationships, empathy is the foundation for successful communication. Try to understand the perspectives of the other people involved and see the situation through their eyes. Explain that you’ve considered the request carefully, but unfortunately have to say no this time.

#3 Explain your no

If you want, offer an explanation for your no. The trick here is not to justify yourself because neither an excuse nor the feelings of guilt that come along with it are useful. Still, you may find it easier to learn to say no if you have a chance to explain the reasons behind it.

Sharing your feelings and thoughts gives others the opportunity to understand you instead of making arbitrary judgments. For example, explain that you’d like to help, but don’t have the energy right now, so you’d rather say no than do it half-heartedly.

By the way, your no doesn’t have to be something that everyone agrees with. The fact that the request simply doesn’t currently fit your interests and schedule is enough.

#4 Say no across the board

When it’s appropriate, specify that it’s a general no when someone asks you for particular favors. Make it clear that it has nothing to do with the specific situation or your schedule, but that you just don’t do some things in general.

For example: I don’t like to bake, so I don’t bring cakes or cookies to parties. However, I would be happy to prepare some protein wraps or help out in some other way next time.

#5 Present an alternative solution

If someone asks you to do something you don’t want to do, come up with another way to solve the problem, preferably a related way that still doesn’t require your help much at all. This is a good way to signal to a friend that you take their needs seriously without the commitment.

5 Tips for Saying No

Learning to say no also means stepping out of your comfort zone. Thankfully, learning to say no is a lot like exercising: the more you practice, the easier it gets.

#1 Ask for time to think it over

Don’t let the pressure in the room convince you. Say you’re happy to help, but need some time before you can get back to them. This can be a 5-minute meeting break or even a week – depending on the situation and the question.

Use your thinking time wisely! Listen to yourself: how do you feel about taking on the proposed project?  Who’s asking for the favor? What are the opportunity costs? Do you have the resources to do it without burdening yourself with overwork or other potential issues?

How will your help benefit the other person? How important is the person to you? How relevant is the project? For very good friends, high value for the other person, or for a task that’s unpleasant but of long-term importance, maybe your effort really is worth it.

#2 Consider the reasons to say yes

Good answers include the internal motivation to contribute, fairness to your colleagues and friends, because you would like to help, or because you’re interested in the challenge.

Don’t start weighing things up and building expectations. Saying yes just to maybe get something in return in the future is more opportunistic than authentic. So if you find that you don’t have a good reason to say yes, get back to them with a firm no.

#3 Distinguish Empathy from Compassion

Empathy means understanding the other person’s perspective both logically and emotionally. This allows you to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and perhaps say yes instead of no. It doesn’t mean that everyone can dump their problems on you for you to make them your own. Learning to say no also means setting boundaries.

#4 Choose clear phrases

“Actually,” “Maybe,” “In general,” and other related phrases do not belong in your explanation. If you want to learn how to say no and make it clear to your conversation partners, practice formulating a clear no, without weakening your position, beating around the bush, equivocating, or making an excuse.

#5 Stick to your decision

Once you’ve said no, stick to it. Saying a firm no and then letting guilt or other fear triggers take over makes learning to say no even harder. Once other people know that you’re easy to push over, that’s basically an invitation to keep trying to persuade you.

How to Say No to Someone Else at Work

At work, the world often looks different. The fear of losing respect among colleagues or having a reputation as an anti-social nay-sayer can make your life unnecessarily difficult.

At the same time, the same basic principles apply at work as in your private life. When it comes to taking on tasks that are not part of your usual job, take a moment to check whether you and your team really still have capacity.

When you do, it is polite, and can also be career-boosting, to accept to help others out, to discuss new aspects of projects, and to look beyond one’s own horizons.

If you should come to the conclusion that saying no is the only alternative, make sure to do it thoughtfully and politely. In the workplace it’s pretty much always a good idea to ask for a brief period of time to think it over.

Present technical and professional arguments to explain that the task would be in better hands with other colleagues at the moment. Unlike in your personal life, it’s more important to be able to justify your no in your job. Are there other priorities? Does your team have no free time left in its schedule? Is the project even related to your skillset? Lay out the impact on the company if you were to put other responsibilities on hold when accepting the new task.

Conclusion

• Learning how to say no is hard because it can be uncomfortable and difficult to challenge learned patterns and deep-rooted fears.
• Saying no can help you strengthen your self-confidence.
• The more often you say no, the easier it will become.
• Learning to say no politely is one step on the way to a higher quality of life.
• Saying no is not only an act of self-care, it can also improve your relationships: The better you feel, the more energy you can put into the personal and professional relationships that really matter to you.
• If saying no is still really hard for you, try working on it with a coach or counselor. It’s worth it.

Sources for this article

We at foodspring use only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial policy to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

• 1Milyavskaya, M., Saffran, M., Hope, N. et al. Fear of missing out: prevalence, dynamics, and consequences of experiencing FOMO. Motiv Emot 42, 725–737 (2018). https://doi.org/10.1007/s11031-018-9683↩
• 2Leary M. R. (2015). Emotional responses to interpersonal rejection. Dialogues in clinical neuroscience, 17(4), 435–441. https://doi.org/10.31887/DCNS.2015.17.4/mlearya href=”#fnref-1″>↩